Since my last post I was just trying to get back on track.
It's been hard. Not the terrible hard, when you're shaking and dying inside, but just hard. Hard to see the point in doing anything. Everybody says I need to start doing something, invest my energy in something, realize my potential. I have no idea what they are talking about. How can you make yourself want something?
I've read a book called Raising your Self Esteem. One of the chapters was about intergrating your inner child, it had sentence completion exercises and a visualisation. I did this and it was such a powerful experience!! I didn't even realize how much I felt like that child that I was-lost, scared, lonely. And I immediately felt better. It was such a great feeling. Of course, it didn't last long, and I have a lot of work to do in this area. I feel like integrating this part of me, of accepting it is very important for me. And the funny thing is I thought I didn't have this problem. I had a lot of trouble when I was young, but I worked hard to " let it go". And I thought I had done that. But it turned out I just tried to forgive and forget. But it doesn't work that way. You can't really just forget all that. Now I want to continue to work with this and move on to my inner teen. It is also in the book, so I have some support. Hope it helps me out.
I also refused to go to my therapist, so this week is free. I'm finding it difficult to occupy myself, even though there is loads to do. I need to eat, to clean, to go to the bank. But I can hardly make myself do it. I want to meet people, to laugh, to enjoy myself, but I just don't see how I can. All my friends are busy and anyway they are good support but not exactly super fun. And nothing really interests me now so it's so hard to keep up a casual conversation.
Another thing is that I went to two concerts. It was just awesome. I love concerts. I love that feeling that you are part of this big crowd, and you feel the energy of the crowd, you sing along... I still don't feel completely at ease- I noticed that I was always standing with my arms crossed, tense. But I still enjoyed it.
It's been hard. Not the terrible hard, when you're shaking and dying inside, but just hard. Hard to see the point in doing anything. Everybody says I need to start doing something, invest my energy in something, realize my potential. I have no idea what they are talking about. How can you make yourself want something?
I've read a book called Raising your Self Esteem. One of the chapters was about intergrating your inner child, it had sentence completion exercises and a visualisation. I did this and it was such a powerful experience!! I didn't even realize how much I felt like that child that I was-lost, scared, lonely. And I immediately felt better. It was such a great feeling. Of course, it didn't last long, and I have a lot of work to do in this area. I feel like integrating this part of me, of accepting it is very important for me. And the funny thing is I thought I didn't have this problem. I had a lot of trouble when I was young, but I worked hard to " let it go". And I thought I had done that. But it turned out I just tried to forgive and forget. But it doesn't work that way. You can't really just forget all that. Now I want to continue to work with this and move on to my inner teen. It is also in the book, so I have some support. Hope it helps me out.
I also refused to go to my therapist, so this week is free. I'm finding it difficult to occupy myself, even though there is loads to do. I need to eat, to clean, to go to the bank. But I can hardly make myself do it. I want to meet people, to laugh, to enjoy myself, but I just don't see how I can. All my friends are busy and anyway they are good support but not exactly super fun. And nothing really interests me now so it's so hard to keep up a casual conversation.
Another thing is that I went to two concerts. It was just awesome. I love concerts. I love that feeling that you are part of this big crowd, and you feel the energy of the crowd, you sing along... I still don't feel completely at ease- I noticed that I was always standing with my arms crossed, tense. But I still enjoyed it.
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