The past week has been quite stressful. One of the reasons was that our refrigerator broke. So we had to choose a new one and buy it. And the thing is I wasn't alone in this - my dad was doing most of the research, my sister was too, my mom said as long as we order something she will take all responsibility for it. But I was still really stressed. Making a choice, making a decision. And when we finally decided something we call the internet shop and it turns out the prices are much higher. Then we decide ok, let's still do it, we call and they say there's been a mistake, they don't actually have this model. So it's choosing and deciding all over again. We finally did get one, a good one and not so expensive. One of the most annoying things about abnormal anxiety is that you don't feel relieved when you finally solve the problem- you still feel stressed and just have to wait for it fade away.
The next thing was meeting with my therapist. It's supposed to be helpful, right? It's not that way. I got angry again and couldn't deal with it. And the weird thing is I can't really remember why I got so angry now. It's like he wasn't really listening to what I had to say. I wanted to talk through my feelings and he just said write it all in a letter, give it to me next time, we won't talk about it next time, but the time after that we will. And I was like what the fuck?! How will it be relevant then?! And I got so upset. And I was upset the rest of the day. Then I decised not to go there while my nephew is here, because I want to be in good form while he's still here.
As for writing the letter I started thinking about it and just got all confused. What happened was he said do I realize that I am much stronger now. I said no, I don't feel that way at all. Then he went on with a metaphore about how I see something as not there when it is. And I started getting annoyed because sure that may be the case but if I don't feel strong how can I think that I am. And I just wanted to explain how I feel, but then I remember how when I did that before he would just challenge me and I just want him to listen. So I felt just overwhelmed with helplessness. That feeling when you want to share something but the person just won't understand. And maybe my thinking needs challenging, but I never felt like I suddenly realized that I was wrong, I only felt ununderstood, helpless, frustrated. He says he knows what he's doing, but I actually hate him now and don't want to see him again.
The next thing was meeting with my therapist. It's supposed to be helpful, right? It's not that way. I got angry again and couldn't deal with it. And the weird thing is I can't really remember why I got so angry now. It's like he wasn't really listening to what I had to say. I wanted to talk through my feelings and he just said write it all in a letter, give it to me next time, we won't talk about it next time, but the time after that we will. And I was like what the fuck?! How will it be relevant then?! And I got so upset. And I was upset the rest of the day. Then I decised not to go there while my nephew is here, because I want to be in good form while he's still here.
As for writing the letter I started thinking about it and just got all confused. What happened was he said do I realize that I am much stronger now. I said no, I don't feel that way at all. Then he went on with a metaphore about how I see something as not there when it is. And I started getting annoyed because sure that may be the case but if I don't feel strong how can I think that I am. And I just wanted to explain how I feel, but then I remember how when I did that before he would just challenge me and I just want him to listen. So I felt just overwhelmed with helplessness. That feeling when you want to share something but the person just won't understand. And maybe my thinking needs challenging, but I never felt like I suddenly realized that I was wrong, I only felt ununderstood, helpless, frustrated. He says he knows what he's doing, but I actually hate him now and don't want to see him again.
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