These last couple of days have been stressful, and as a result I've started thinking of things that I haven't thought about for a while.
I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep, so I went on Facebook and saw a podcast and decided to listen to it. It was about shame and how a guy was a recovering alcoholic, who had written a book about it and how he relapsed and was ashamed of it. But the best thing to do is to share it to overcome the shame. That's what Brene Brown writes about as well. And I suddenly was thrown back to a situation that I am deeply ashamed of but have never really shared that feeling with anybody.I'm going to write anout it here, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to share with a friend or somebody...
Quite a few years ago I fell in love. I was really deeply in love with this guy, I had never felt like that before and sadly haven't felt that way about somebody ever since. We were together for about 9 months, we had a long distance relationship. I thought he was perfect. He was kind, gentle, loving. But I was finishing my master's and I was very stressed and I got severely depressed, but didn't realize it then. All I felt was numbness, and I couldn't feel love the way I used too. Plus I kept thinking how I am not worthy of a guy like that, how he is too perfect and I'll only be a problem for him. So I broke up with him. After a couple of months I realized my horrible mistake, but he had moved on. He was really hurt that I left him and I can understand that.
When I need to tell about this situation I usually present it as a sad mistake. But what I don't share is how ashamed I am of this. When I was young and watched my parents argue all the time, being inconsiderate I promised myself I would never live like that, that I would find a kind man, who would love me and take care of me. And I did. And then I got caught up in depressed thinking and I let myself down. I betrayed our love, betrayed myself when I decided to break up.
And he moved on, he's fine, I guess I didn't do him much damage. But I am ashamed that I let go of the man I loved. So ashamed I betrayed myself like that.
I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep, so I went on Facebook and saw a podcast and decided to listen to it. It was about shame and how a guy was a recovering alcoholic, who had written a book about it and how he relapsed and was ashamed of it. But the best thing to do is to share it to overcome the shame. That's what Brene Brown writes about as well. And I suddenly was thrown back to a situation that I am deeply ashamed of but have never really shared that feeling with anybody.I'm going to write anout it here, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to share with a friend or somebody...
Quite a few years ago I fell in love. I was really deeply in love with this guy, I had never felt like that before and sadly haven't felt that way about somebody ever since. We were together for about 9 months, we had a long distance relationship. I thought he was perfect. He was kind, gentle, loving. But I was finishing my master's and I was very stressed and I got severely depressed, but didn't realize it then. All I felt was numbness, and I couldn't feel love the way I used too. Plus I kept thinking how I am not worthy of a guy like that, how he is too perfect and I'll only be a problem for him. So I broke up with him. After a couple of months I realized my horrible mistake, but he had moved on. He was really hurt that I left him and I can understand that.
When I need to tell about this situation I usually present it as a sad mistake. But what I don't share is how ashamed I am of this. When I was young and watched my parents argue all the time, being inconsiderate I promised myself I would never live like that, that I would find a kind man, who would love me and take care of me. And I did. And then I got caught up in depressed thinking and I let myself down. I betrayed our love, betrayed myself when I decided to break up.
And he moved on, he's fine, I guess I didn't do him much damage. But I am ashamed that I let go of the man I loved. So ashamed I betrayed myself like that.
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