Yesterday and today have been hard. But before that I thought I was getting better. I found a website that made me finally realize how my depression works. It's called studentsagainstdepression. The strange thing is that none of the information there is new, and I had read it all before in a different form, but it never really sunk in. Probably because it has worksheets to fill out and you literally see your problems.
The first thing I did was look at depressed thinking. I know that when I am depressed I think negatively and don't see the bright side. But the thing is I genuinely thought this was realistic thinking and that for me there is no bright side. If you don't feel good about something how can it be good. But there they have a form with two sheets of examples of depressed thinking, patterns of thinking that are not realistic and not helpful. But here they don't just give labels and examples of depressed thinking, which I used to read about and go:"oh yeah, that happens to me sometimes!(sigh)",but ask you to write examples of your own. And I did, and I had an example for each single case. All the types of depressed thinking. And suddenly I realized just how much I think like that. Nearly about every sphere of my life. And I realized that I am indeed depressed again. For a while I thought I was "ok". Not good, but not as bad as it once was. But no, that is not ok. I've even forgotten what it's like to like life, and I thought that was"ok". And now, when I get a nagging thought I think " is this helpful, or unhelpful". If it's unhelpful I try to stop myself from repeating the thought in my head.
Then there was a worksheet about challenging unhelpful thinking. I was already familiar with it. It is the ABC model. It is helpful, no doubt, but in some cases you need to have the help of a therapist to analyse some thoughts. When I was in group therapy in hospital we did some of this. The trick is you need to write how you felt and what you thought. BUT you need to write what you thought that could have lead to this feeling. That's the problem: you have some thoughts running through your head, or you try to remember what you thought, but then you look at how you felt and you don't see the connection. And it is pretty hard to get to that hidden thought on your own.
Another useful thing was to write down things that trigger my depression. Even though I knew some things stress me out, thinking about them is just overwhelming. But writing them down like that made me realize something. Before I'd look at these events as frightening and get angry at myself that I can't cope with things that happen to everybody. Now I saw them as stressors, things that are objectively stressful. And I started feeling that now I can predict bad moods and being stressed and depression. Suddenly I felt more in control, less lost and helpless. It doesn't work all the time but feeling better even sometimes is good.
The first thing I did was look at depressed thinking. I know that when I am depressed I think negatively and don't see the bright side. But the thing is I genuinely thought this was realistic thinking and that for me there is no bright side. If you don't feel good about something how can it be good. But there they have a form with two sheets of examples of depressed thinking, patterns of thinking that are not realistic and not helpful. But here they don't just give labels and examples of depressed thinking, which I used to read about and go:"oh yeah, that happens to me sometimes!(sigh)",but ask you to write examples of your own. And I did, and I had an example for each single case. All the types of depressed thinking. And suddenly I realized just how much I think like that. Nearly about every sphere of my life. And I realized that I am indeed depressed again. For a while I thought I was "ok". Not good, but not as bad as it once was. But no, that is not ok. I've even forgotten what it's like to like life, and I thought that was"ok". And now, when I get a nagging thought I think " is this helpful, or unhelpful". If it's unhelpful I try to stop myself from repeating the thought in my head.
Then there was a worksheet about challenging unhelpful thinking. I was already familiar with it. It is the ABC model. It is helpful, no doubt, but in some cases you need to have the help of a therapist to analyse some thoughts. When I was in group therapy in hospital we did some of this. The trick is you need to write how you felt and what you thought. BUT you need to write what you thought that could have lead to this feeling. That's the problem: you have some thoughts running through your head, or you try to remember what you thought, but then you look at how you felt and you don't see the connection. And it is pretty hard to get to that hidden thought on your own.
Another useful thing was to write down things that trigger my depression. Even though I knew some things stress me out, thinking about them is just overwhelming. But writing them down like that made me realize something. Before I'd look at these events as frightening and get angry at myself that I can't cope with things that happen to everybody. Now I saw them as stressors, things that are objectively stressful. And I started feeling that now I can predict bad moods and being stressed and depression. Suddenly I felt more in control, less lost and helpless. It doesn't work all the time but feeling better even sometimes is good.
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