As all the news about my new job are becoming older, I'm starting to feel better. This morning I wasn't as anxious as the previous days. I still get worried when I think about moving. I have to move from a big city to a tiny town. I always read about how important it is to have a support network, and I know myself how important it is to be able to talk to somebody, so moving away from my friends makes me nervous. Even though we don't really see each other that often, it's definitely easier to become isolated when you move away.
Also I'm moving away from my doctor. I have mixed feelings about that. We've been working together for a almost a year and it has been hard and very expensive. In the beginning I could definitely tell that I was feeling better. Talking to somebody, crying things out made me better. But then we started working on some anger issues and it was like going through a personal hell. He would say things that made me furious, but I couldn't really deal with the anger. I'd get so enraged I couldn't breathe, I'd start crying from feeling angry and helpless. And he says that through it all I had learned to not to shut down, to have a dialogue, despite my anger. But that's not how I felt. I didn't get a sense of control over myself or my anger. And I remember thinking in most cases that there is nothing I can say to make this situation end well for me. And that made me feel so desperate. So I don't feel like I have learned much in that area. And then just in one day it went away completely. He couldn't make me angry anymore. And I don't know why that happened, so it makes me feel like it is a completely unpredictable thing.
As for the recent events I am really upset that I started getting so anxious again. It makes me feel like the whole thing has been a waste of time since I still freak out when stressed. My doctor says that I am facing real stresses, like my family coming home, my job interview and such. It's normal to be nervous. But I don't think my level is normal. I also get psychosomatic symptoms, like really bad stomach aches and back aches.
So to sum it up - I have stopped having major breakdowns like I used to before therapy, but I feel like I haven't learned much about what actually causes them apart from stressful events. I don't know how to successfully deal with these emotions. So maybe this therapy isn't working for me. But now what? No therapy at all? Will I manage without it?
Also I'm moving away from my doctor. I have mixed feelings about that. We've been working together for a almost a year and it has been hard and very expensive. In the beginning I could definitely tell that I was feeling better. Talking to somebody, crying things out made me better. But then we started working on some anger issues and it was like going through a personal hell. He would say things that made me furious, but I couldn't really deal with the anger. I'd get so enraged I couldn't breathe, I'd start crying from feeling angry and helpless. And he says that through it all I had learned to not to shut down, to have a dialogue, despite my anger. But that's not how I felt. I didn't get a sense of control over myself or my anger. And I remember thinking in most cases that there is nothing I can say to make this situation end well for me. And that made me feel so desperate. So I don't feel like I have learned much in that area. And then just in one day it went away completely. He couldn't make me angry anymore. And I don't know why that happened, so it makes me feel like it is a completely unpredictable thing.
As for the recent events I am really upset that I started getting so anxious again. It makes me feel like the whole thing has been a waste of time since I still freak out when stressed. My doctor says that I am facing real stresses, like my family coming home, my job interview and such. It's normal to be nervous. But I don't think my level is normal. I also get psychosomatic symptoms, like really bad stomach aches and back aches.
So to sum it up - I have stopped having major breakdowns like I used to before therapy, but I feel like I haven't learned much about what actually causes them apart from stressful events. I don't know how to successfully deal with these emotions. So maybe this therapy isn't working for me. But now what? No therapy at all? Will I manage without it?
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