So this morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach. I hate this feeling. It means the whole first half of the day will be hard. It's waking up and being seized by terror that it's a new day again. I haven't had this for a while. I remember when I had it every single day for weeks. It was hell. I thought all the therapy would make it go away for good, but here we are...
What has triggered all this is getting a new job. I used to teach courses, but my anxiety got so bad I started hating them and last summer I stopped teaching. I thought I would take a break to figure stuff out, what I wanted to do, what job I wanted, but by autumn I got seriously depressed and had to go to hospital. I started therapy...again. With a new doctor. And after a while I started working part-time as a babysitter. I couldn't even imagine doing anything else. My parents supported me financially, so I could get my life together. And I loved it. The kid was awesome and it was just nice and relaxed.
But after almost a year it seemed logical to find a "proper" job.
My doctor says I need to socialize more, and find a way to realize my potential. So I applied for a job I wanted and that's when all hell broke loose. They invited me for an interview. I was excited at first, but the same night I woke up and just felt terrified. Not that I wouldn't get the job even, my mind flashed forward and all I could think about was that I'd get the job and would fail miserably. It involves doing things I've never done before, and I just felt like such a fraud. How would I manage doing all these things they ask for if I have no idea how it's done? I felt so small and weak. I talked to my family about it and they all said not to worry, I'll have help and I'll get by one thing at a time. Talking about it made me feel better but I was still filled with dread.
I passed the interview and they offered me the job. That's good, I guess, but that's not how I feel. I still wake up in panics, afraid of the new day ahead. Afraid that it's bringing me closer to the time when I'll have to start working. It is terrifying. I get so filled with fear that I start crying.
And intellectually I understand it's the only way to go, but emotionally I wish I could curl up in my bed and wait for this terrible feeling to go away. And then I'd be ready to do things. When this fear of life was gone.
What has triggered all this is getting a new job. I used to teach courses, but my anxiety got so bad I started hating them and last summer I stopped teaching. I thought I would take a break to figure stuff out, what I wanted to do, what job I wanted, but by autumn I got seriously depressed and had to go to hospital. I started therapy...again. With a new doctor. And after a while I started working part-time as a babysitter. I couldn't even imagine doing anything else. My parents supported me financially, so I could get my life together. And I loved it. The kid was awesome and it was just nice and relaxed.
But after almost a year it seemed logical to find a "proper" job.
My doctor says I need to socialize more, and find a way to realize my potential. So I applied for a job I wanted and that's when all hell broke loose. They invited me for an interview. I was excited at first, but the same night I woke up and just felt terrified. Not that I wouldn't get the job even, my mind flashed forward and all I could think about was that I'd get the job and would fail miserably. It involves doing things I've never done before, and I just felt like such a fraud. How would I manage doing all these things they ask for if I have no idea how it's done? I felt so small and weak. I talked to my family about it and they all said not to worry, I'll have help and I'll get by one thing at a time. Talking about it made me feel better but I was still filled with dread.
I passed the interview and they offered me the job. That's good, I guess, but that's not how I feel. I still wake up in panics, afraid of the new day ahead. Afraid that it's bringing me closer to the time when I'll have to start working. It is terrifying. I get so filled with fear that I start crying.
And intellectually I understand it's the only way to go, but emotionally I wish I could curl up in my bed and wait for this terrible feeling to go away. And then I'd be ready to do things. When this fear of life was gone.
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