Going out

On Saturday I went to an event - a Tedx conference. And getting ready to go I got nervous about it. I don't really know why. Maybe because I had spent several days at home because I was sick with the flu and going out was a big deal. A lot of the time when I get anxious I begin to procrastinate, and as a result I spend too much time getting ready and start running late. And then I worry about being late.
And here I sort of know why I was anxious getting ready: I got this idea that Tedx is sort of a big deal, so how should I dress? It sounds silly even to me but I geniunely got anxious about it. I didn't want to look too simple, but I didn't feel good and confident enough to dress up.
I dressed casual, something I normally feel comfortable in.
When I got there sure enough - the place was full of hipsters. And I felt so small. Like I was a teenager at a grown-up get together. I felt so out of place. I just couldn't get over that feeling.
Lately in general I have literally been obsessing over my clothes. Anything I wear I don't feel pretty. I have tons of clothes, far too many. And recently I've bought a lot of new ones, because I was stressed and resorted to "retail therapy". And I'd decided to get rid of some because the amount of stuff I have just weighs me down. But when I try to do it I can't make any decisions. I don't know if I look good in any of them, I don't know how I want to look, I think I don't have any style, I want to look cool but when I dress up I feel uncomfortable, like I can't pull that look off.
Just lately I've been feeling so unconfident. It shows on my face, I stoop, and everytime I look in the mirror that's all I see.

Self pity

When my mom came to me that morning and I started crying she said that I should stop wallowing in self pity.
Self pity sounds bad. But that is what I felt: I was overwhelmed with fear and I felt so sorry for myself. And I don't know how to approach these feelings. My mom herself had depression and she came out from it through a combination of breathing exercises, energy exercises, yoga. She knows what it feels like and she says the only way out is to pull yourself together, start doing those exercises until you get a clearer picture.
But I've been reading some stuff lately and they all talk about how important it is to be compassionate towards yourself when you are struggling. Should I let these feelings be and just cry it out? Is there some limit after which you need to make yourself do something? I get confused by different messages and don't know what to do, as a result I try something but when it doesn't work straight away I think it's wrong. But for something to help you have to do it systematically, and for that be committed to it, and for that believe it will help. Still looking for some system.

The big day

Yesterday I went to sleep, thinking I'm doing alright. Today I was supposed to wake up at 6 to meet with my future colleagues and drive to the site where I'll be working. I woke up at about 3:30.  I had a knot in my stomache. I just had waves of anxiety going over me. I kept tossing and turning, trying to go back to sleep, listened to a relaxation audio, but I couldn't concentrate.I tried using the tips I read about but it didn't seem to help. Then my mom came in the room. She was up too. And I just burst into tears. I am so afraid to start a job. I am so afraid to fail at it. I am so afraid to change anything. Not just anything, I'll have to change everything! What I do, where I live... I'm petrified that I won't cope and the bad thing is I'm already not coping too well with all this.
Shit, what did I get myself into? I don't think I am ready for this job. I never even wanted to work, but everybody was saying I needed to find something to do. Now I'm getting worse again.

Revolution

I want to revolutionize the space around me, my space. Not change, but revolutionize. 

Better

As all the news about my new job are becoming older, I'm starting to feel better. This morning I wasn't as anxious as the previous days. I still get worried when I think about moving. I have to move from a big city to a tiny town. I always read about how important it is to have a support network, and I know myself how important it is to be able to talk to somebody, so moving away from my friends makes me nervous. Even though we don't really see each other that often, it's definitely easier to become isolated when you move away.
Also I'm moving away from my doctor. I have mixed feelings about that. We've been working together for a almost a year and it has been hard and very expensive. In the beginning I could definitely tell that I was feeling better. Talking to somebody, crying things out made me better. But then we started working on some anger issues and it was like going through a personal hell. He would say things that made me furious, but I couldn't really deal with the anger. I'd get so enraged I couldn't breathe, I'd start crying from feeling angry and helpless. And he says that through it all I had learned to not to shut down, to have a dialogue, despite my anger. But that's not how I felt. I didn't get a sense of control over myself or my anger. And I remember thinking in most cases that there is nothing I can say to make this situation end well for me. And that made me feel so desperate. So I don't feel like I have learned much in that area. And then just in one day it went away completely. He couldn't make me angry anymore. And I don't know why that happened, so it makes me feel like it is a completely unpredictable thing.
As for the recent events I am really upset that I started getting so anxious again. It makes me feel like the whole thing has been a waste of time since I still freak out when stressed. My doctor says that I am facing real stresses, like my family coming home, my job interview and such. It's normal to be nervous. But I don't think my level is normal. I also get psychosomatic symptoms, like really bad stomach aches and back aches.
So to sum it up - I have stopped having major breakdowns like I used to before therapy, but I feel like I haven't learned much about what actually causes them apart from stressful events. I don't know how to successfully deal with these emotions. So maybe this therapy isn't working for me. But now what? No therapy at all? Will I manage without it?

Guilt

Yesterday my family came back from a trip, and I was supposed to prepare the house for that. But I managed only a few things. Not everything I had wanted. And yes I think I should have. I felt so guilty when they came and everything wasn't ready. I feel like I let everybody down, didn't do my part.
Thought I'd get to it today. But got anxious again. When I think about things to get rid of I get nervous about my future, because I have no idea where I'm going. For example, books I used when I was teaching. Do I need them? Not now, I'm starting something different. But will I need them again? Will I get back to teaching if this doesn't work out? I have no idea... So I'm left with all these books, as a reminder that I have no idea what I'll be doing in the future.

Weight

Today I woke up early and I heard my nephew running around. I read a book to him. It was good, because then I don't have the knot in my stomach. But as soon as I got up I immediately felt anxious. The apartment is full of stuff- mine, my family's. It's like a weight on me. I keep wanting to sort things out, but it never really works. To feel good I need to get rid of the things I don't need. But it's such a problem. I keep thinking: I used to love this, how can I get rid of it? Or: this is practically new, how can I get rid of it? And so it goes. I'd like to break free from all the things that weigh me down - the boxes, the shelves, the stacks. But I only ever manage to throw away a couple of things. I've listened to loads of online lessons on how to declutter, but then my will just stops working.
I get anxious about all the decisions I have to make - should this stay or should it go?

Red lipstick

Yesterday I had one of these moments when I was watching something and a small detail made me get a knot inside again. It was a scene with a woman wearing red lipstick. I guess I thought that I should wear red lipstick too and be sexy, and it made me so anxious. Like it was the sign of all other women feeling comfortable with themselves, with being sexual. I couldn't possibly wear red lipstick. It would be exposing myself. Like putting myself out there when I actually feel like running and hiding. Even seeing it in a video, thinking of it made me panic.
I remember I used to wear red lipstick, now it's like a fucking feat.

The small things

What is bothering me at the moment are these attacks of nervousness. I might be sitting watching a video and all of a sudden everything squeezes inside and I feel nervous. Most of the time I don't even register what it is that set it off. All I can think is:" oh my god, I'm so nervous again!" and the knot in my stomach tightens.
What I think happened is that I had a split-second thought that it's getting late and I need to get stuff done and that triggered a mini panic.
It has passed now, but I'm so annoyed that this even happens. There is no reason to panic. None. And yet I do. This gap between what is reasonable and my reaction makes me feel so inadequate. Maybe there are deeper underlying issues about what this means to me but I feel like I never get a chance to explore them. My therapy just doesn't do that. Can I do it myself? I don't know. I wish I had some really good analyst at my side all the time to just explain things to me. I feel so overwhelmed now that I wish I could talk it out, but there is nobody here. When I was having a breakdown 2 years ago my mom was with me and I just spilled everything out to her all day long. It was such a relief. All the small things that make me extremely anxious and depressed. Just saying them out loud made me feel better.

Doubts

I've posted a couple entries now and have this nagging thought: am I doing it right? Basically, when I was thinking of writing a blog I thought I needed to vent my frustration and anger and everything else. But when I actually started writing I found myself sort of editing what I wrote, trying to make it nice for somebody reading it. Explaining myself, not expressing myself.
It's a bit sad that in this anonymous blogging world I still can't just say what I think and feel openly, I keep censoring myself, adding those rational comments I don't even believe in, but it's what you say...

Bad morning

So this morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach. I hate this feeling. It means the whole first half of the day will be hard. It's waking up and being seized by terror that it's a new day again. I haven't had this for a while. I remember when I had it every single day for weeks. It was hell. I thought all the therapy would make it go away for good, but here we are...
What has triggered all this is getting a new job. I used to teach courses, but my anxiety got so bad I started hating them and last summer I stopped teaching. I thought I would take a break to figure stuff out, what I wanted to do, what job I wanted, but by autumn I got seriously depressed and had to go to hospital. I started therapy...again. With a new doctor. And after a while I started working part-time as a babysitter. I couldn't even imagine doing anything else. My parents supported me financially, so I could get my life together. And I loved it. The kid was awesome and it was just nice and relaxed.
But after almost a year it seemed logical to find a "proper" job.
My doctor says I need to socialize more, and find a way to realize my potential. So I applied for a job I wanted and that's when all hell broke loose. They invited me for an interview. I was excited at first, but the same night I woke up and just felt terrified. Not that I wouldn't get the job even, my mind flashed forward and all I could think about was that I'd get the job and would fail miserably. It involves doing things I've never done before, and I just felt like such a fraud. How would I manage doing all these things they ask for if I have no idea how it's done? I felt so small and weak. I talked to my family about it and they all said not to worry, I'll have help and I'll get by one thing at a time. Talking about it made me feel better but I was still filled with dread.
I passed the interview and they offered me the job. That's good, I guess, but that's not how I feel. I still wake up in panics, afraid of the new day ahead. Afraid that it's bringing me closer to the time when I'll have to start working. It is terrifying. I get so filled with fear that I start crying.
And intellectually I understand it's the only way to go, but emotionally I wish I could curl up in my bed and wait for this terrible feeling to go away. And then I'd be ready to do things. When this fear of life was gone.

Help?

I was trying to find something online to help me feel better, but most things really annoy me right now. I read some blogs and it just made me cringe. People write how they fight with depression and how they've discovered how strong they actually are and how it's made them the person they are.
Really?!
 I never feel this way. I can imagine this attitude being good for them, but I never feel this way. Strong? Right now I cry because I need to do the dishes. I've been crying the whole day at nothing. Literally nothing. I feel vulnerable and I want to cry. I don't even seem to have any thoughts that trigger it, just this feeling of some pain inside. It's overwhelming.
And when I have these days I hate my depression and anxiety. I hate myself for having them. I don't feel like this is me. The real me is buried under all the anxiety, fears and tears. It doesn't show at all.
And all the optimism! I know I can get through this, they say. I know I'll get through this too, but it doesn't make this any easier. It actually makes me feel worse. I know it'll pass but then I know it'll happen again and again. I'm not overcoming it I'm just waiting it out. That doesn't feel like strength to me it feels like helplessness. 

Intro

I have decided to start a blog about how I cope (or don't) with depression and anxiety. I have been feeling really low these last couple of weeks and I just need to get stuff out there. Out of my head. Maybe somebody will read this and find it a relief to know others feel the same way they do. Maybe nobody will read this.