Last few days

The last few days haven't been great. Every morning I wake up and get an anxiety attack about...well just living another day I guess. I tried everything recommended to me before-like making a list, doing things straight away, but it just wouldn't go away. I ended up just being miserable till about 2 in the afternoon, when it would wear off a bit and I could do something. I've packed nearly half my stuff to move. Still need to buy some things. And the thought of having to think things through just makes me nervous. And when I am nervous I get nauseous. So I can barely eat, though I am really hungry. I am so tired of this, and I am getting angry. Everybody said I need to do something, to get a job. Maybe when I start I'll feel better but right now I feel horrible. I am not excited at all about working, I do not feel better, I am better than I used to be but it's still not alright, and I am angry. I spent so much money on therapy and it's helped only that little bit to make this tolerable, but when can I start living like a normal human being?!
And I wish someone would read this and comment something like it gets better, you're on the right track! Because lately I can't really talk to anybody about this. My friend who has bipolar disorder always just changes the subject to herself. I guess she's trying to distract me but it's getting really annoying because I just want to share what is bothering me and she just goes oh stop thinking about it, I'm cooking lasagna. Great!
I try not to tell my mom because about a month ago, when we had a conversation, she said it is really difficult to talk to me because I am always complaining and being negative. But that is how I feel! And she said my sister complained about the same thing. So I try not to talk about this with her either. But I just feel like I have nothing to say, because I literally do not feel anything good, and nothing really happens so I end up having nothing to say.
Today I got up and had anxiety and I tried to visualise my child self, thinking it might help, but I couldn't because the anxiety was too strong, I couldn't concentrate. I ended up listening to a hypnosis app 3 times, which did finally soothe me and I am feeling a bit better.

Something new

So the update is that I'll be starting work next Monday. But I need to move this weekend. My friend with a car is away, so I'm not sure who to ask to help with this. I'll have to ask my brother, but I'm not sure it'll work out.
I've been depressed the last few days- I wake up with a knot in my stomach, nervous for no apparent reason, so I end up in bed the whole day, trying to get over the anxiety. By evening I'm better, so I stay up late, and end up feeling bad the next morning. Today I woke up and I hadn't slept well, and I thought well, that's because you didn't do shit yesterday. And I started to panic. A day of my life wasted. Completely wasted. Nothing to show for it and it didn't even feel good. And I'm starting to get anxious that I need to do a lot before I move. Leave everything clean, buy stuff I'll need there. I am getting stressed out.

Work

Oh, what did I get myself into??! I've been negotiating for 2 months(!) now. Even though I was told that it's all good, I am accepted. I just need to volunteer to get acquainted with the work. Ok, did that. Now there is the question of providing me with accomodation. And it's taking forever! I'm getting second thoughts now, maybe it's a sign that it's not meant to be. But I really thought this is what I should be doing. Now my parents are telling me I should be looking for something else, because this is not working out. I keep writing to the person who seems in charge of hiring, keep waiting for replies, keep getting vague answers and delays. What does this mean?

Fear

Everybody says I need to find something to do with my life, I need to work... Now I have found work but I am really starting to panic that when I move I will be completely isolated. How will I ever meet a guy?? I want to be in a relationship but everybody I meet is just plain, not exciting at all. And there I won't even meet anybody. And I am not sure at all I can do it through the internet... I really don't want to end up alone

Return

I was away for two weeks volunteering. It was intense. I am glad I could be helpful, but I am so tired now. Luckily it worked out alright but there were moments when I was so angry at the poor organisation of it all. So I'm glad it's over now. Now I have to think about getting to work. They offered me an apartment but it's so shabby. I don't think I have much of a choice, but I am a bit sad about it. I am getting enthousiastic about he work, but worried that my depression will get worse if I move to that place. It's so small(( I am sure I won't find anybody to hang out with.

Update

Since my last post I was just trying to get back on track.
It's been hard. Not the terrible hard, when you're shaking and dying inside, but just hard. Hard to see the point in doing anything. Everybody says I need to start doing something, invest my energy in something, realize my potential. I have no idea what they are talking about. How can you make yourself want something?
I've read a book called Raising your Self Esteem. One of the chapters was about intergrating your inner child, it had sentence completion exercises and a visualisation. I did this and it was such a powerful experience!! I didn't even realize how much I felt like that child that I was-lost, scared, lonely. And I immediately felt better. It was such a great feeling. Of course, it didn't last long, and I have a lot of work to do in this area. I feel like integrating this part of me, of accepting it is very important for me. And the funny thing is I thought I didn't have this problem. I had a lot of trouble when I was young, but I worked hard to " let it go". And I thought I had done that. But it turned out I just tried to forgive and forget. But it doesn't work that way. You can't really just forget all that. Now I want to continue to work with this and move on to my inner teen. It is also in the book, so I have some support. Hope it helps me out. 
I also refused to go to my therapist, so this week is free. I'm finding it difficult to occupy myself, even though there is loads to do. I need to eat, to clean, to go to the bank. But I can hardly make myself do it. I want to meet people, to laugh, to enjoy myself, but I just don't see how I can. All my friends are busy and anyway they are good support but not exactly super fun. And nothing really interests me now so it's so hard to keep up a casual conversation.
Another thing is that I went to two concerts. It was just awesome. I love concerts. I love that feeling that you are part of this big crowd, and you feel the energy of the crowd, you sing along... I still don't feel completely at ease- I noticed that I was always standing with my arms crossed, tense. But I still enjoyed it.

Old problems

So I ended up turning the phone off for the weekend because I was afraid of my therapist calling about next week. And when I got the nerves to turn it back on I got hit by an old problem. My ex-boyfriend wrote about getting back together. I don't feel ready to talk about our relationship, but one thing is, every time he wants to get back together I have a breakdown. And I spent all night with a spasm in my stomach, up to the point that I was throwing up by morning. I am convinced it wouldn't work out if we got back together, but I feel so bad and guilty about refusing him. I get these images in my head of crawling to him , crying for forgiveness. And I can't control myself. It used to be even worse before. I have no way to deal with this. Afterwards I spent the whole day crying  and feeling miserable. How fucked up!